Rejoice!

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel has come to thee, all people.

O come, o come, Emmanuel! Come ransom captive Israel. We mourn in lonely exile here until the Son of God appears.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, oh Israel.

Chains shall he break for the slave is our brother. And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we.

Let all within us praise His holy name!

Fall on your knees. Oh Hear the angels voices. Hark the herald angels sing:

GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING!

AND ON EARTH, PEACE AND GOOD WILL TOWARDS MEN.

Why We Have Christmas

A couple weeks ago, we adopted two little kittens: Tsunami and Noemi ("No-Amy"; it's Hungarian). We were heading out of town, so on Wednesday we dropped them off with their supplies at a friends house. Just as the second group of us were heading out, the friend called us saying that Noemi was looking sick, and that we should come pick her up.
I thought that it might just be the motherly instincts of the friend seeing things that weren't there, but when I went in to pick up the little kitten, she was laying stretched out on her towel while her sister climbed around her. The friend told us Noemi had diarrhea, and needed to stay hydrated.
For the two-hour drive I cradled the prone little body in my hands, feeding her water through a baby dropper one drop at a time. I watched for each sign of improvement: She blinked! She kicked her leg! She rolled over!
While I chose to take these as good signs, I also knew that they may also be signs of her final struggle.
Finally, we made it to Andover where we'd be spending the weekend. I handed off the little kitty to her owner, my nine-year-old sister. At first they took the cats (we'd brought both) to the barn, but then in order to give Noemi more water more often, our friends let us bring them into an outer room in their house.
Despite almost constant care, little Noemi died that night while I was holding her.
As she started leaving, I burst out crying. I'd worked for hours to keep this little kitten alive. Why couldn't she stay?
Comforting me, my mom said, "At least we were able to give her love and a home before she died."

Another woman told of her experience. She was finally fulfilling her dream to go see Mother Theresa. When she landed in India, she went off in search of the famous nun. The woman was directed to a hospital. When she entered it, she found herself in a long hall. Along one wall were 10 or so rocking chairs, and on the other side were dozens of babies lying on the ground.
The door at the other end opened and Mother Theresa walked in followed by some nurses. As she slowly advanced towards the woman, Mother Theresa would point at a baby and then point at a nurse, saying "That one. You. ... That one. You. ..." Obediently, the nurse would pick up the child and rock it in a rocking chair.
At last, Mother Theresa was standing in front of the woman. But as the woman opened her mouth to say something, Mother Theresa pointed at a baby. "That one. You."
Without another word, she left the hospital, leaving the woman who'd come so far to meet her.
Stunned, the woman stood there for a moment. Then she angrily began to leave. "Wait!" a nurse called. "You have to help."
"I'm not a nurse, I don't know what to do." The woman protested.
Quietly, the nurse explained. "There isn't enough care and medicine to save all of these babies. Mother Theresa knows which of these babies are going to die today. Our job is to rock them, and make sure they feel human love before they leave this world."
The woman looked back at the little baby that Mother Theresa had assigned her to love. Then she went over, picked it up, and then rocked it until it slept.
By that time, she needed to rush to catch her plane home, and she never saw Mother Theresa again. But she said that it wasn't a wasted trip. She learned what she needed to learn.

Mosiah 16: 7 And if Christ had not risen from the dead, or have broken the bands of death that the grave should have no victory, and that death should have no sting, there could have been no resurrection.
8 But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.
9 He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death.

Peace be unto You Because of your Faith

This week, I posted the scripture Helaman 5:47 on my wall.

"Peace, peace be unto you because of your faith in my Well Beloved, who was from the foundation of the world."

Today in family scripture study, we read about Alma (senior) and his people living peacefully before the Lamanites came and captured them. Someone pointed out that Alma and his people were righteous and listened to the Lord whenever He commanded them to do something. On the other hand, King Limhi's people (the ones who stayed behind when Alma and his followers fled) were sketchy at best.
But both groups were brought into bondage. The good guys and the not-so-good guys.
Why would following God's directions lead Alma's people into bondage?

When I think about the differences between these two groups, a few things stand out.
First of all, because each of these groups was brought into bondage they were motivated and given the opportunity to get back to Zarahemla to join the rest of the Nephites.
Secondly, while the people of Limhi were in captivity many of them died because of the many wars they fought. But the people of Alma were close to the Lord and knew the correct actions to take. When the people of Limhi were finally humbled and converted, they didn't have anyone with the authority to baptize them or receive revelation for them. But the people of Alma were almost all already baptized and close to God.

As we have a foundation of faith, I know we are able to find peace in our trials.

Thanks Giving

I think it's time for a thanks-giving! A time to give thanks.

I am thankful for a bedroom with a bed and a dresser. I'm thankful for my family and for the sacrifices they make for me (especially my grandma, grandpa, and uncles this past week).
I am thankful for pioneers in history and now days who blaze trails for me to follow.
I am thankful for modern day technology, and the gift it is to the gospel and to friends and family. I am thankful for people who reach out to me.
I am thankful for our cat Noemi (no-Amy) who is happy at our grandparent's house, but who still loves me. And I am thankful for our new kittens Noemi jr. and Tsunami. I am grateful for ribbons (and so is Tsunami :)).
I am grateful for yarn, crochet hooks, and the art of crochet.
I am grateful for examples in my life: Joan of Arc, Carmody, Uncle Tom, Captain Moroni, Megan, Sis. Edwards, Joseph Smith, Mom.
I am thankful for the scriptures and the truths they hold. I am thankful for the many places I can find the scriptures and words of the prophets.

What are you Thankful for?

(comment below)

The Recovering Perfectionist

One of my dear, dear friends recently started a blog called "The Recovering Perfectionist." In it, she shares her story. She gave me permission to share it here:

A couple of years ago I began to worry about my appearance. I looked in the mirror and pointed out- and even made up- countless flaws. I compared myself to others and I became distressed. I’ve always had a perfectionistic nature, and I believed the countless lies around me that I was never enough. Little by little I become more obsessed with how I looked, and I saw food as something bad- and I thought that the less you had the better. The media was saying that carbs were bad, and fat foods were bad, and sugar was bad. And in my attempt to do everything perfectly, I started to count calories and restrict my intake. I didn’t realize that little by little I was leading myself deeper into a pit of destructive mental habits. Pretty soon food became my fear and my enemy. I became an unhealthy weight and my family was concerned. I was miserable. I felt trapped. False body perception wasn't the only thing that contributed to my eating disorder. I indulged in this false sense of control. But never were things more out of control. I couldn't go to activities with friends for fear that they would try to get me to eat  certain things that weren't on my list of acceptable foods. If I didn't exercise one day I felt like a complete failure. My family began to notice that I would make excuses to skip family meals. Meanwhile these unhealthy habits took control over more and more portions of my life. My mom tried to tell me that she thought I had a problem, but I was in denial. "A mental disorder? No, not me- I was fine." I told myself. But deep inside I knew I wasn't fine. I was cold, dizzy, moody, sick and stressed out all the time. My hair was falling out in frighteningly big amounts.I was terrified. How had I immobilized myself in such a way? Finally, I admitted with devastation that I really did have a problem. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was the beginning of a new freedom in my life. My mom and I constructed a healthy meal plan and I stopped exercising to give myself a chance to recover.  The road has been difficult, but so rewarding. I share my feelings with my mom, who is always gives me further light and knowledge. I also decided to visit with a counselor weekly, even though I was gaining weight and doing better, because I still was having some irrational fears and concerns. This really helps me to see what skills I can work on and how I can achieve better self confidence. I share my story as a message of hope. We can and will win this war. Whether it be a battle of depression, mental illness, addiction- or any other thought habit holding us back. These wars of the mind can be overcome.

Now you may think that to all of her friends this was obvious. She describes how she became unhealthily thin and was avoiding friend gatherings; but the truth is... I had no idea. The way I saw my dear friend was as a sweet, gorgeous, talented young woman and a wonderful friend. I had no clue that she was struggling with an eating disorder.

Please be aware of this epidemic. My friend has some great resources on her blog and there are other places out there where you can also get help, or where your friends can get help. 

“Your Heavenly Father loves you—each of you. That love never changes. It is not influenced by your appearance, by your possessions, or by the amount of money you have in your bank account. It is not changed by your talents and abilities. … God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve love. It is simply always there” ~Thomas S Monson

Temple Trip!

A while ago, some friends and I took a trip around Utah, visiting all of the temples. My mom (who was our driver) posted about it here. I'll let her fill in the details, but would like to share some spiritual things that were shared or felt.

Multiple times people expressed that they felt the presence of those we were doing the work for or that of their family.

At the Bountiful Temple we had to wait for around 3 hours for all the other mutual groups. Even after us there were many more people waiting to do ordinances. Even though they were rushing through people, the young man doing the confirmation prayers for us emphasized each prayer differently as if he was doing it for the actual person, rather than doing it proxy. At the time I wondered why he didn't hurry up, but as I was changing I realized that he was able to make the temple ordinances special and feel the peace even when everything else was crazy around him. Other girls with us also commented on it. It was amazing.

Finally, we noticed that there was a profound peace to be felt just on the temple grounds. At the St. George temple we weren't able to go in because they were renovating their baptismal font, so we just relaxed around the grounds. Even though we were occasionally goofy and crazy we mostly just chatted and wandered, visualizing our weddings and talking about the different temples.

I received a stronger testimony of the power that temples have and of the work that happens in them.
Now, in New York, we are an hour and a half away from the closest temple. While this isn't a terrible distance, it's much different from being 15-30 min.s away from two :). I've made it a goal to visit the temple once a week, and to accept the LDS Church's Temple Challenge, which is approximately 1300 names, and I've already done 642!! Almost half way there and a few more months to go :S (I started late, that's my excuse).
The work that happens in temples is the work of God. You can grow so much closer to Him in the temples or even just on the temple grounds. I challenge anyone who reads this to visit an LDS temple sometime this month if it's possible. Even if you can't go inside, just take a moment on the grounds to "be still and know that I am God." He will bring you peace.
Amen.

General Conference Thoughts: Becoming a more Disciplined Disciple

General Conference Thoughts: Becoming a more Disciplined Disciple

Okay, so I have a confession. A few months ago (alright, so around a year ago), I realized I had a problem with self-discipline. I had a hard time controlling desires such as my desire for chocolate, my desire for sleeping in (which I couldn’t do anyway :( ), and my desire to NOT run. At first I ignored it, because that’s what I do when I initially see my weaknesses-- I hide from them. Then I decided it needed to be faced and fixed.

But how do you fix a problem with self-discipline? You need the very virtue you’re struggling with in order to strengthen it!

So I tried a few different things. I tried rewarding myself.

Epic fail!

Whenever I didn’t do what I was trying to do (which was frequently) I had created a whole new battle for myself. “Oh, but I tried.” “But it looks so good.” “I’ll get it now to motivate myself for next time.” etc. etc. etc.

I tried making lists, schedules, and plans. There were some pretty good ones, too. However, there wasn’t the accountability that I was needing.

So this year, for the October session of the General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I had two questions prepared. 1) How can I develop more discipline? 2) How can I become a better disciple?
One of the talks that stood out the most to me was by Devin Durrant, "My Heart Pondereth them Continually." In it, he invites us to take a verse of scripture each week, print it out, and put it somewhere where we will see it.
Well, one of the aspects of my struggle with discipline has been doing things daily. So, I decided to put my mini-scriptures in my work bag so I could read them and look at my verse during my breaks.
The verse I opened up to was in Mormon 9: 28 Be wise in the days of your probation; strip yourselves of all uncleanness; ask not, that ye may consume it on your lusts, but ask with a firmness unshaken, that ye will yield to no temptation, but that ye will serve the true and living God.
(this is where my jaw drops open)
In one scripture, I had my answers. As I "ponderized" the verse, a plan of action came. This plan was unlike my other ones for two reasons. God was in this one, and He wanted me to include my mom and brother. 

I know that through the spirit I was guided to my answer. God could have given me the plan a year ago when I started trying to overcome my challenge. But I needed to be listening and acting on words of the prophets, reading my scriptures, and showing that I was ready to listen and obey.

Simple Missionary Moments

In case I didn't let y'all know, my family has moved across the country! Exciting, right? So I couldn't work for my dad anymore, because he had to get a new job :). Thus, I got a job here at a Health Care Manufacturing Facility.
It's pretty boring, but it brings in the bucks. (random tidbit, did you know that a dollar became known as a "buck" because a male deer's hide would be bought for $1 back in the day?)

So now that we're not in Utah, and I'm working with a bunch of people that aren't LDS, I get a lot more missionary opportunities than I used to. Here are a few of them:

I was working at a machine with another person (say his name was Aaron), and he needed to remember something later. So Aaron turned to me and said, "Hey, if I forget this later, will you call me a *******." I said, "I won't say that word, but I can remind you."
"Oh," he replied, "Then you can just call me a *****." (word that was basically the swear word)
I smiled at him and said, "But then I'd think of the word that I wasn't saying."
He looked a little confused, and asked me, "Then you've never come close to swearing?"
I thought about it for a moment, and then realized I could say, "Nope, never."
"Hm." Then we both went back to work.
It was nice to not only share my language standards, but to be able to realize that I'd never broken them. There are a lot of four-letter words floating around at my work and I sometimes think them, but as I try to block out the thoughts the words never seem to come to my mouth.
My brothers are nice, and have stopped "fake cussing" around me as well.

At my work, when people finish with jobs at their station, they'll come over to my station and help out. One of these people was making small talk with me, and relationships were brought up.
"Do you have any kids?" he asked me.
"No, I'm not married."
"Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Nope, I haven't found the right guy yet."
"Oh, so you have standards?"
That threw me. I thought that everyone had things that they wanted in their partner.
So I responded, "Yeah." Then I thought, what the heck! I'll share a brief testimony! "That's what my parents did, and they're happy together, so I guess it works."
"Oh." Then we both went back to work.
It's been really eyeopening to see how people outside of Utah view relationships and marriage. A lot of people say things like. "You're married? That's too bad. Then you'll need a divorce when you want out." I'm so happy I wasn't raised with those ideals. I hope that through sharing my testimony with that one person they'll realize that there's something more they can get. (
(side note: Pres. Packer's talk and the movie "The War Room" go very well together and talk a lot about the heavenly part of marriage.)

Finally, a couple weeks ago our ward (or local congregation) had a fast for less active members to feel the spirit again, for strong families to move in, and for missionary experiences. The next Monday, at work, the second thing anyone said to me was "So what exactly is a Mormon?"
It was AWESOME!
I basically said that Mormon's are Christians, but here are some things that make us different... . Then I outlined the Apostasy, Restoration, and Book of Mormon. It was short and I don't think they understood what I was saying (I need to work on that :S) but it was cool!

So if you want to share your belief of Christ or your standards, just think, "Tova can do it, so I can definitely do it!" :D. It's been such an amazing feeling to be able to be an instrument in God's hands. I get the feeling described in the blog description-- "This is the joy of truly penitent seeker of happiness."

When am I a Swan?

I’m tired of being ugly

Unloveable

Unloved.

The ugly duckling personified.

Born in a perfect world and lacking perfection.

The ugly duckling later became a swan. What about me?

When will I become a swan?

When can I look at myself in the mirror and say, “You are Magnificent”?

Why can’t I say it now?

When have I done enough?

When was it for the ugly duckling?

He just flew around being himself. But he was always scared of opening up to others. He always stuck out. He was ridiculed and mocked.

Scorned, judged. Tried, condemned.

But he was a SWAN!

When  I am   am I a swan? Wait… what did I say?

When… I am… a swan.

Who I am can change my present. It can change my future. It can change the world?

How? That doesn’t make sense.

I’m the loner in the corner. The shy one.

The quiet, responsible, optimistic, perfect child. I’m not allowed to feel insecure or to show insecurity.

Everyone else has something to offer. Why me?

Then again, why not me?

I love myself! I admire myself! I can say that. I don’t altogether believe it.

I can’t look myself in they eyes without seeing all of my weaknesses and shortcomings.

I know they will never completely be gone. When can I love myself?

When am I a swan?

~Kate Wynstelle

Building Homes

Wow, doesn't time fly :). Since I last posted I've moved across the United States to upstate New York into a house that isn't a "fixer-upper." It's a "tear her down, then fix 'er up."
In honor of my new house, I'd like to share this parable by C. S. Lewis from his book Mere Christianity.

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

My little sister shared another amazing analogy illustrating our divine nature. When you  cut an apple through the middle, you'll find a star formed by seeds. Inside each of us is an amazing destiny, formed by the seeds of our potential.

I know that God has shown me my greatness. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. And He strengthens YOU. YOU are amazing, you have a powerful potential for good.

Unlock that potential, and you will change the world. God can help you. Let Him in. Let Him build you.